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Hello, my name is Judas Gutenberg and this is my blaag (pronounced as you would the vomit noise "hyroop-bleuach").


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   difficulties with a steering wheel
Monday, July 14 1997

    itting around with Matthew Hart and Leah, I drank so much coffee this morning it was as if I had snorted $50 worth of cocaine. I've never snorted cocaine, by the way. So much for my reputation as being a hardcore badass. These days I almost never drink coffee not made at home. This helps my weekly budget considerably. But you know, there's no convenient place to get good coffee near Kappa Mutha Fucka. It's nothing like when I lived near the Corner.

    We three Aquarii had a hoot discussing last night's rednecks and Matthew's outrageous drunken behaviour. Leah filled me on some things I'd missed. It seems Danny, the doofy man-redneck, was trying to get her to take LSD with him (not that he actually had any, mind you, even though he said he did). He also made a brutish stab at charming her; at one point he thrust his face into hers and said "What colour are my eyes?" "I don't know," she said curtly, looking away in disgust. "Thair groin!" he replied.

    Matthew figures they didn't make it home last night; either they ran out of gas or they crashed. No matter: they ended up sleeping with each other like they always do. Attempts to expand the cracked and yellowed kiddie-sized gene pool would have to wait for another day.


    atthew's car has been acting strangely of late. Turning it off does not stop the engine and turning the key does not start it. I figured it was a problem with the ignition switch. Since I'm the one who fixes everything, today I went to have a look at the problem. First, though, we needed to go buy a steering-wheel puller, a device that exerts enormous localized leverage to pop a steering wheel off the steering column. At the time Diana the Redhead was visiting in all her Libran glory and we had her drive us to the auto parts store. The only encouragement she needed was for us to say we'd be getting beer too. We ended up getting vodka instead.

    The steering wheel puller was supposed to be universal, but in fact the Ford Escort has an unusually narrow design in the center of the wheel. This made the bolts of the puller splay and bend as they were inserted into the puller-holes specifically designed to give a steering wheel puller purchase on the wheel. Suddenly one of the bolts snapped off right in one of the holes! That sucked: how would anyone, even a car shop, be able to get the steering wheel off now? I hated to break such bad news to Matthew. He was naturally upset, but he's fatalistic about most things and never reacts too badly to material problems. He finds real comfort in brainstorming for solutions. That's what he did with Diana as I surveyed the situation in dismay.

    I started drinking vodka fruit drinks, and gradually my mood improved from a state of frustration and despair.

    I ate one pepper and proceeded to rant and rave about Deya's interference in my sex life.

    achary suddenly arrived, wearing a tie and looking unusually well-groomed. He invited us to a dinner of stuffed peppers at his and Peggy's house up on Carter's Mountain. So off we set. I was very drunk by this point. I ate one pepper and proceeded to rant and rave about Deya's interference in my sex life. Deya was right there and though the others tried to get me to shut up, I demanded to be heard.

    Then I fell asleep. Diana repeatedly tried to wake me up so I could, I don't know, entertain her with my wit and such, but I was passed-out cold.

    My friends did managed to awaken me at about 11 as they prepared to leave. Once I was home I took a relatively brief pre-work nap. At some point I bought the others a gallon of vino with Diana's funds.


    n other gossip, it seems Deya's spending the night with me last night was the final straw for Monster Boy. All day today he gave everyone the silent treatment and could be seen moving out of Deya's room and into the little room connecting the kitchen to the living room. It's not a very private place to sleep, but it's not as musty as the basement, which he has plans on occupying once he fixes it up.

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