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Hello, my name is Judas Gutenberg and this is my blaag (pronounced as you would the vomit noise "hyroop-bleuach").
linksdecay & ruin got that wrong appropriate tech fun social media stuff Like asecular.com (nobody does!) Like my brownhouse: |
sugary surreal Tuesday, November 18 1997
hat sort of confidence am I supposed to have in Charlottesville Police Department's Juvenile Division? I call down there, (804) 970-3501, at 2pm on a Tuesday afternoon, and there's no one there and no answering machine. Let's hope they're all out cracking down on tough guys. Chances are, however, they've been reassigned to round up grandmothers treating their glaucoma with marijuana.
hoah! I just wrote that JavaScript humpty-hump thing all by myself in about a half hour. Now I think I can claim I know this shit on a resumé, not that I ever want to have a real job or anything.
arris Teeter is a new upscale grocery store that opened at Barracks Road Shopping Center, very near the downscale Farmer Jack. In my neighborhood, Harris Teeter left promotional care packages on everyone's front stoops, including Kappa Mutha Fucka's chaotic porch. I'm hungry just now so I broke into a box of Harris Teeter brand frosted flakes. If nothing else indicates the rot in the heart of America, it's frosted flakes. I'm not just talking about the fact that frosted flakes are extremely popular, but that they exist at all. As I'm eating these things, my throat burns from the sheer concentration of sugar. I can't taste anything but sugar. I don't think there are candy bars that are quite this sweet. It's a wonder that children in America have any teeth at all. Lucky for me, my parents made more of an effort to shield me from frosted flakes than they ever did to shield me from pornography. This crap is obscene. It's amazing that it's even legal. I can't believe the FDA cracks down on unpasteurized goat milk and allows this poison to be sold over the counter to be fed to children.
hoah II! I haven't felt such a strong compulsion to brush my teeth in years. The crime is how powerfully that stuff adheres to the indentations in my molars. The toothbrush couldn't get that gunk out; I had to brush several times in a row and pick at the gunk with my fingernails, and my mouth still is full of that sinister sweetness. With this crap on the shelves of so many homes, what percentage of children in America is brushing its teeth thoroughly enough before leaving for school? I'm much more concerned about this country than I was ten minutes ago, not that I wasn't concerned then. I'm wondering if there's some sort of conspiracy between the American Dental Association and Big Sugar to keep this stuff from being banned. I just discovered that Internet Explorer has a much slower JavaScript interpreter than Netscape. I had to dumb-down this page's scripts enormously to get them to run on a 100 MHz P5 running IE 3. I'm not even going to look at these on a Macintosh. I don't surf the web on a Macintosh anymore; I have better things to do with my time.
h look, I'm a victim! Today I got this pleasant little letter from the Commonwealth's Attorney (comments in red are mine): Dear Mr. Mueller, It has come to my attention that you were recently a victim of a crime in the City of Charlottesville. Victimization can be a difficult experience, often resulting in a variety of financial, physical, and/or emotional stresses. The Victim/Witness Assistance Program provides services which may be able to help you and your family cope with the impact of this crime. at this point it's really looking like a form letter. We assist victims and witnesses of crime by providing crisis counseling, referrals to community agencies, and information regarding court dates and procedures. In addition, we are available to prepare you for court and escort you through judicial proceedings, help you apply for compensation for injuries or other financial loss occurring as a result of the crime, I could use an Italian sub about now... and assist you in preparing a victim impact statement to be presented to the court upon sentencing. Assistance is available whether or not an assailant has been apprehended, and all services provided by the program are free of charge. Enclosed you will find a brochure...blah blah blah...
Whoops, they forgot to sign it. Hey, but getting a letter like that is kind of sweet in an artificial, surreal way. I feel a little less like I'm living in some kind of post-apocalyptic world where gangs of ignorant unskilled white rich kids rule the streets unchallenged.
Maybe all that pompous right wing posturing about cracking down on criminals and supporting victims is actually going to get around to paying me some dividends.
I think at this point the best revenge I can get (or publicly admit to getting) against those little miscreants is turning them over to the judicial system. It's not the most delicious system of tortures devised, but in its own boring, lethargic way, it's far worse than getting punched in the nose and having your Italian sub knocked out of your hand. Besides, who knows how much my principle attacker suffered in the aftermath of my macing his seat of reason? I can't imagine he's too happy right now.
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