Hey, this goes out to my homies! I'm keepin' it real on the downlow, diddlyo! I been feelin the spirit of the Lord and this here page is part of my OUTREACH to the YOUTHS of TODAY! I might sound hip and ghetto, but truth B told, I am a middleage WHITE pastor at a local Apostolic church here in Charlottesville, and my name is PREACHER MICHAEL HUNT-HERZ! I KNOW a lot of white kids is into the HIPPITY HOP so this outreach is really just as much for them as it is for the black folks and chinamen.

I am called 2 SPEAK 2 the STREETS and tell all ya'all that JESUS is LORD and U BETTER GET READY! If you B having sex and U ain't married, U needs 2 STOP! If you U planning on getting an ABORTION, U need to know that the penalty is ETERNAL HELLFIRE.

But none of that MATTERS now, because this here, let me represent to you, is the beginning of the END OF DAYS. That is what the EARTHQUAKE means! Listen up, homies, thugs, hos, and sistas! It is written in REVELATION 12:4 that "A GREAT CRACK will open in the EARTH and fire will SPEW FORTH and the GREAT SERPENT WILL ARISE!" If that ain't what just happened, I don't know what is!

So get with the PROGRAM! ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST as your PERSONAL savior! He is DA MAN! That's all U have 2 do 2 B saved! And then you need to stop having sex (unless you B married) and taking those drugs, and listening 2 all that gangsta hippity hop rap music with all those SWEAR words in it! Also: stop drinking MALT LIQUOR; it is OF THE DEVIL!

If you voted for Barrack Hussein Obama, you need to REPENT, because HE IS THE ANTICHRIST. Obama is probably the reason for this here earthquake. He was born of a serpent in Kenya and slithered here sometime back in the 1980s, whereupon he sprouted legs and walked UPRIGHT. Donald Trump has pointed out that there is no record of anyone having ever seen him B4 then! So yo! If the RAPTURE is a little delayed and U get to vote, make SURE U vote for RICK PERRY or MICHELLE BACHMAN. All the other candidates are of SATAN; it is written (REVELATION 6:14)!

HEY! If you B doing YOGA or eating one of them there VEGETARIAN DIETS you are WORSHIPPING A FALSE GOD and will BURN FOREVER IN HELL! You need to stop that this minute and get yourself a cheeseburger and take DOMINION over the ANIMALS and things that CREEPETH AND CRAWLETH!

That reminds me of another issue: EVOLUTION! We didn't come from no damn monkeys! We was made special in the image of GOD, who looked just like a man! He had legs and beard and a brain, but it was all bigger and better than anything like what we got. SO IF YOU BELIEVE IN THAT EVOLUTION NONSENSE you needs 2 STOP now and ACCEPT that we was PUT HERE by GOD and there was no monkeys (or fishes or ostriches or whatever else SCIENTISTS been lying about) in our family tree.

ALSO: WOMEN'S LIB IS OF THE DEVIL! Remember what happened the last time a man let a woman take the initiative? That's right, an apple got eaten and we all had to pay for thousands of years until CHRIST JESUS DIED FOR OUR SINS. It makes perfect sense: since Jesus died, we are all in the clear just so long as WE ACCEPT HIM AS A PERSONAL LORD AND SAVIOR. If we don't, we have that APPLE weighing down our soul and dragging it to HELL! So women: listen up: you must SUBMIT to your husbands and BE MODEST. NO MORE SHORT SKIRTS, SKANKY TIGHT PANTS. NO MORE PANTS AT ALL: it is a a SIN against the LORD to dress as a MAN! GET MARRIED, GET PREGNANT, AND GET PREGNANT SOME MORE! It is your DUTY to be FRUITFUL & multiply, to USE your WOMB for the GOOD of the LORD! If you don't like MEN and want to be a LEZZIE, you need to STOP THAT NASTY SH*T and LEARN to like (or at least tolerate) submitting RIGHTEOUSLY and GOD-HONORINGLY to a man! I know we ain't too clean, especially down there, but we're the only way you can keep your loins filled up with fruit!

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Ouch! At least you guys didn't have gay marriage when it happened, or now you'd know what a good old fashion smiting actually feels like!

This is what it's like when God is PISSED!

Should have put down your lattes and hackysacks and paid more attention to this guy.

NOT this guy

Look at the downtown mall, now, suckas!

Judging by the pile of rubble, I'd venture a guess that it was probably an abortion clinic!

Yowza! Look what happened to Qoran Crapsaws's half-built skyscraper that ran out of money! It was probably an insurance-motivated-earthquake.

Should have prayed harder and worried more about your afterlife, dudes! Now it's probably too late because the Rapture has begun!

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