email from a hilarious skinhead imposter

Dear Mr. Mueller,

I am deeply saddened, hurt, and concerned by your harsh words, your meanspirited attacks, and your unabashed hatred and predjuice toward skinheads. As a skinhead, I am constantly shunned, sneered at, spat upon, hit, kicked, slapped, punched, bitten by small dogs, refused service, denied the use of public bathrooms, thrown out of cabs, reprimanded, suspended, fired from jobs, turned down for dates, pointed and laughed at, ejected from casinos, bars, and restaurants, and I have been subject to numerous indignities and humiliations which hardly befit the tough-guy stereotype you seem to think defines skinheads. I've been removed from tours, not allowed to have a free sample, kicked out of national parks, playgrounds, hotels, motels, haberdasheries, swimming pools, ice-cream stores, classrooms, toy stores, a ferris wheel, the tilt-a whirl, stationary stores, hardware stores, paint stores, record stores, and lots of other stores. I've lost girlfriends, sleep, two teeth, my goldfish, a fingernail, an earring, lots of money I'd been saving, a wallet chain, a pack of gum, my keychain, and a brand-new bomber jacket to people who, like yourself, choose to oppress me simply because I am a skinhead.

Your hatemongering is unconscionable and grotesque in its categorical besmirchment of skinheads. As a skinhead, I know firsthand of the hatred, violence, and discrimination based soley on physical appearance. Therefore, I am entirely justified in begging you to please, please, please stop your vile slander against skinheads everywhere and give us the respect we are owed by society. Your outright contempt for skinheads will only breed more of the hatred and violence I experience on a daily basis; with hands outstretched in supplication I beg you to end your destructive reign of literary terror and allow us to live peacefully as the American citizens we are so vehemently proud to be.

Very truly yours,

Marvin Williamson