Talking through a Suicide; Support group helps restore woman's world

             Paula Ressler's world got smaller and darker on June 5, 2001.   On that day, her only son died at his own hands.   "It was really horrible," the Illinois State University English professor recalled. "I saw no need to live myself. We were close in many ways."  As she made her way through the darkness, Ressler found that while her life had a gaping hole that would never be filled, her world actually was becoming larger. Family members who had lost touch reconnected. Friends offered support.  And her involvement in therapy sessions for people who have lost a loved one to suicide led to the recent formation of McLean County's first Survivors of Suicide support group.   That group is ready to accept new members.   "Every (survivor's) story is so different. But there are themes that keep repeating themselves."   Ressler's story is of Shandi Hopkins, her son, who died at age 31.  He grew up in Cambridge, Mass. He was intelligent and known for his sensitivity to others, his mother recalled.  Ressler and Shandi's father separated when Shandi was 4 years old and he alternated living between his mom and dad. His childhood included abuse.  Shandi had difficulties with his mother being a lesbian and left home when he was 16.  Although active in high school, he started using drugs during his senior year. When he dropped out of college, his mother figured out he had a drug problem and sought help for him.   When Shandi was 24, his father was out of the picture and Shandi came to New York to be closer to his mother, who was there working on her doctorate.   She discovered he was using heroin. She got him into a clinic that specialized in treating heroin users. But Shandi started using another drug, which made him confused. He was fired from two jobs.   Three years ago Ressler and her partner, Becca Chase, came to Bloomington-Normal, where Ressler became director of English education at ISU. Her plan was to get settled, find a program for her son locally and then send for him.   Back in New York, Shandi was in a new program but was having a rough time. Once he was beaten on the street. Another time, he called her to get directions back to the rehabilitation center. After an argument with another patient, he was thrown out.   "He was back in the streets with his big plastic bag of stuff," Ressler said. She was visiting him in New York at the time and got him a room at a YMCA and into a day treatment program.   "I was feeling like he had a chance for recovery," she said. "I thought, let him get stabilized and I'll bring him to Illinois."  It never happened. He hung himself in his room at the treatment center.   Ressler got through the next few months by talking with Becca and friends, by writing her thoughts in her journal and with the help of therapist Carolyn Treadway.   She also compiled some of Shandi's writings and gained new respect for his creativity. And some family members with whom she hadn't communicated in years - including her former mother-in-law and former brother-in-law - sought her out to offer support.   One call came from a distant cousin. She told Ressler that Survivors of Suicide support groups existed and said one had helped her.   The closest support group was in Peoria, and Ressler went.   "I listened at first, then I talked. It was the first time I discussed what happened publicly."   Ressler found it helpful to discuss what happened with other people who understood the feelings of guilt and shame that accompany shock and grief.   "Parents think 'It must have been my fault.' Professionals think 'If I'm so good at what I do, how could I let my kid die?'"   Treadway, of Connections Counseling & Resource Center in Normal, agreed to lead an eight-session therapy group for survivors with the help of Johanna Rayman, a local psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker.   The two mental health professionals hoped to help the survivors to learn how to grieve, how to cope and recover, how to discuss their experience with others, and how to support other survivors.   A call for survivors in November 2001 brought six participants.   It was helpful "just having someone to talk with who could understand our pain," said participant Alaina Winters of Normal, whose sister died by suicide in May 2001.   "We helped each other to see things," Ressler said. One woman said her brother died 10 years earlier and the sessions marked the first time she was able to discuss his death with anyone.   After the eight sessions, the six group members decided that they wanted to evolve into a support group on their own. Treadway and Rayman are no longer involved but are ready to assist if needed.  Barbara Nafziger, McLean County chief deputy coroner, facilitates the meetings. Nafziger, who is certified in bereavement counseling, and Coroner Beth Kimmerling had spoken to the group and were interested in its work.  Nafziger delayed facilitating group meetings after her brother died by suicide Oct. 31. She's ready to get involved again and chaired the meeting Jan. 15.  The group is ready to accept other survivors of suicide to its twice-monthly meetings.  As the group grows, Ressler is comforted by another thought.  "I think Shandi would have really appreciated this. He was very socially conscious."  Health Editor Paul Swiech is at (309) 829-9411 ext. 275 and at pswiech@pantagraph.com.  How you can help  Here's how you can help a suicide survivor (someone whose loved one has died by suicide):  Be honest. "Let the person know that you're available and you care and want to help but don't know what to do," advised Carolyn Treadway, a veteran Twin City therapist whose therapy group led to the Survivors of Suicide support group. "Just saying 'Hey, I'm thinking about you" is pure gold," she said.   Do what you would do for anyone who is grieving. Invite the person out for coffee, offer to drop by for a visit, take a walk together - whatever the two of you would do during another time of grieving.   When you get together, listen. Don't worry about what you will say. Remember that you don't have all the answers. Focus on what the person is saying to you, advised the national Survivors of Suicide group.  Continue to bring up the name of the person who died, when appropriate. Some people make the mistake of avoiding mentioning the person who died, fearing they will cause the survivor pain. If the survivor thinks the person who died is forgotten, the pain increases.  Respect the person's faith and spirituality. If faith is a part of the survivor's life, let him or her express it in appropriate ways, the Survivors group said. If they say they are angry at God, encourage them to talk about it. Remember that anger speaks to having a relationship with God. Don't explain theology. Just listen.
What you should not do

Don't cast judgment. "Don't say something like 'Well, your sister obviously was mentally ill,'" said Alaina Winters of Normal, whose sister died by suicide in May 2001.  Don't make judgments about the afterlife. Comments such as "I believe your sister will go to heaven" don't help, especially for someone whose religious tradition would question that.  Don't tell the person to "get over it." Everyone grieves differently, depending in part on their relationship with the person who died, Winters said. When a loved one dies by suicide, the survivor also deals with guilt, fear and shame. "Grief isn't something you get over" but is a process, she said. Be patient.  Don't use cliches. Trite comments intended to diminish the loss aren't helpful, according to the national Survivors group. Examples: "You are holding up so well." "Time will heal all wounds." "Think of what you still have to be thankful for." "You have to be strong for others." "Everything will be OK."  Don't say "I know just how you feel." You don't. Don't compare, categorize or criticize.