especially ugly fight - Monday November 15 1999
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Knowing I would write about this stuff, Kim wrote the following piece for my readers:
I never would have needed reassurance about The Gus' love for me had he
not fucked with my head last night when we were driving home from L.A.
(after spending a weekend sharing some very sacred moments in tantric
ceremony and eco-healing mind you.) Interestingly enough, The Gus and I
were involved in a heated debate about the the vitalist vs. the
mechanist approach to energy. All of a sudden our discussion switched
from the life force/energy argument into the discussion of dreams. I
shared with Gus that my dreams were fairly joyous but sometimes
represented my fears and insecurities, especially when we had
arguments. Around that time I told Gus to use "I" statements in his
dialogue with me because I was getting confused with what he was saying.
So he replied slowly with what appeared to be real honesty, "When I
dream, I dream of the various girls that I am obsessed with at my
workplace." (He went for the jugular, as this is my deepest fear you
see.) Then he appeared to cover his tracks by saying, "No I'm just
kidding about that I just wanted to punish you for making me use "I"
statements." Just out of the blue this happened. There wasn't much that
led up to this weirdness, except a long ride home to San Diego and a
magical weekend together, so this comment did not sit well with me.
The next morning, I went to my Somatic dialogue and briefly forgot about
the issue. When I came home I felt really weird, I guess I was still
processing from the weekend of unveiling so much shit. I'm sure Gus will
explain more about the emotional work we did in the workshop and the
powerful Native American "fire breath" exercise that we and about twenty
of the other workshop participants did together. I will briefly explain
what I went through... During the fire breath exercise, which lasted
about 45 minutes, I evoked the demons and heralded the angels using
physical awareness, sounding, and the calling out of images. I did manage
to work through a lot of the painful energy stuck in my pelvic area from
my endometriosis but the experience left me feeling quite drained and
vulnerable, especially after the ride home. So I decided to call Gus at
work hoping we would have a brief but loving conversation that would
help to clear my feelings. Stupid fucking move. He hung up on me
telling me that he had too much work to do and he didn't have time to
talk, even for five minutes. My intention was to truly resolve things
right then and there so I called back. Stupid move again! Then I got
crazy Italian and actually drove to [company I work for]. I was somehow under
the impression that we would see each other and everything would be ok,
but that didn't happen. The Gus told me that he couldn't take my
emotional hangups and he wanted to break up with me. Would I do this to
him? No fucking way. I would be there for him anytime he needed me.
People go through shit in life damnit. Certain people are only there
for the good times I guess. So Blessed Be. That my friends is the
beginning of the breakup of Kim and The Gus. Poor Matt Rogers. Will he
have to do his "woo hoos" in two separate San Diego residences now?
Damn, I really loved this man. I MEAN I REALLY LOVED THIS MAN. It is
going to be extremely difficult to say good-bye to him, but I will if
that is what he wants. He is going to be a tech-millionaire soon so what
reason is there to hang out with a girl from Downriver Detroit,
especially one who is a "New Age Nutcase." He is on his corporate path
with lots of exciting adventures to follow I'm sure. Or could there
still be a chance that he will decide to love and respect me and not
taunt my fears? Because believe me he did taunt my fears, he'll even
admit to having a sadistic side. It now seems ironic that he left the
last entry before going to Los Angeles with the words, "does Tantra come
from the word to taunt." No Gus, Tantra is a sanskrit word which means
to expand and liberate. So, Gus my darling I set you free to do what is
in your heart, to choose another road if that is what you need to do.
Peace and love to you all out there in cyberspace. --Kim
--and Sophie too
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