April 22, 1994
The Editor
The News Virginian
P.O Box 1027
Waynesboro, Virginia 22980
Dear Editor:
I think Mankind is finally winning his Godly war against Satan's kingdom, otherwise euphemized by treehuggers with the term "nature." Pregnant bellies are everywhere as the commandment to be fruitful and multiply is being heeded while abortionism is being thwarted. In perhaps ten years, Augusta County will be like Manhattan, jobs will abound, taxes will be non-existent, and unlike in other urban areas, the American Flag will fly high over clean streets filled with scrubbed well-mannered children. There won't be any more nasty vacant lots full of snakes, bugs and spiders. We won't have to hear slimy frogs and black birds, just the pleasant summer sound of thousands of lawn care providers holding Satan at bay. We won't suffer from ragweed and poison oak allergies and mosquito bites. The air will fill with the family-oriented fragrance of barbecue and fresh laundry. The Valley will be home to six or seven theme parks bigger and more colorful than the planned Disney-Haymarket park. And with such a large population, there should be dozens of men as qualified for political office as Oliver North.
Hopefully, we can also get shut of the Endangered Species Act and make useful jobs out of the remnants of Satan's lair. The only species man needs are common: cows, corn, wheat, chickens and more people. Owls, snakes, weeds and bugs are a relict of Satan's kingdom and we'd be better off without them. Bamboo canes will beat out a patriotic rhythm of security for all would-be criminals to hear.
Sincerely,
Gus Mueller
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