August 11, 1995
The Staunton Leader
P.O. Box 59
Staunton, Va. 24401
Dear Mr. Editor:
I don't know if people in Staunton know this, but over in Charlottesville, Staunton is regarded much as we regard Craigsville. I doubt that I need to elaborate on this point. The issue is: "how do we in the Queen City bring ourselves up to respectability?" One solution, as I see it, is to crack down on all the people not tending their lawns with sufficient diligence. I have noticed a trend around here of late towards letting grass approach as much as two inches in height, complete with dandylions and other unsightly, unhealthy weeds. Furthermore, people let their trees grow with abandon. Will people not top their trees as they used to? If Staunton would simply pass a law that mandates that any grass more than an inch in height will land its owner in prison for six months, the lawns of our city would be beautiful once more. The symphony of lawnmowers every afternoon would inspire the patriotism this land once fervently knew.
With a view to this end, I have formed "People for the Uniform Maintenance of Orderly Lawns" (PUMOL). As a grassroots group, we cruise the streets of Staunton, rulers in hand, eager to report anyone not keeping nature's satanic dispositions in check. Stauntonians need to know that without uniform lawns, there is no America. Our very culture is at stake here.
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