Oberlin, Ohio 44074
June 3, 1994
Recently I was in the stunningly beautiful Shenandoah Valley to pay a visit to the magnificent Statler Complex and the wondrously landscaped Statler Boulevard and Woodrow Wilson Birthplace. My visit was absolutely flawless until I came upon a long haired young gentleman standing alone on North Coalter Street carrying a sign saying, "Fools of Redneckistan, Your Eden is Being Made into Newark BUT You Love It!" Along with his shabby appearance, which spoke only of a lifelong addiction to marijuana and satanic music, his vehicle, an ancient VW microbus, indicated a profound lack of understanding in the great capitalist system here in the USA. His appearance offended me greatly, because it stood in such sharp contrast to the patriotism and morality I have seen exhibited by all the fine Virginians I have known.
Since I spent most of my life actually living in Newark, New Jersey, I think I have the resumé necessary to refute the subversive opinions of the long haired young gentleman. Newark today is a thriving metropolis where crime is virtually nonexistent, taxes are a mere pittance, and churches experience record attendance. The success of Newark is due in no small part to the efforts of the developers, highway contractors, loggers, swamp fillers, and others who made what was once a savage-infested wilderness into a wonderful place for Americans to raise a family. If this should ever befall the Shenandoah Valley, y'all should consider yourselves lucky.
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