January 2, 2000
The Staunton Leader
P.O. Box 59
Staunton, Va. 24401
I see that controversy continues concerning the relocations of the Lowes and Walmart superstores to various locations at the base of Betsy Bell. Some of you tree-huggers clearly aren't interested in the mesas I happily foresaw in my prescient letter of May 8, 1995. But the evidence is clear: frequent relocations of Walmarts and other large stores are essential to the economic and moral viability of communities. Let me remind you that in 1998 the Littleton, Colorado Walmart missed by two months its average site relocation schedule, and during this time there was a mass shooting by godless goths at Columbine High School. Similarly, when a Walmart failed to relocate on schedule in Atlanta, Georgia, a disgruntled chemist walked into a local day-trading firm and opened fire.
I noticed in the December 29th issue of the Leader that the city fathers posted a long explanation of the reasons Walmart and Lowes have been allowed to hop from site to site throughout the fringes of the city, leaving behind large buildings serving as centers for new regions of economic growth. Let me take this opportunity to express my complete support for our city fathers. They've done everything in their power to bolster these engines of growth, wisely ignoring the strident calls by cynics for investigations into mysterious building fires such as took place at a former Lowes location on Greenville Road in the mid-90s.
Let me now conclude by proposing a few additional sites Walmart and Lowes could locate on their mission to grow our economy into this new millennium. Out on the freshly-widened Middlebrook Road, on one of those land-wasting cow farms would be an ideal location. Another would be in Gypsy Hill Park. My favorite site, however, is as a replacement for the urban decay in the very heart of Staunton. To preserve historic qualities, the old facades could be replicated in a thin false-front of particle board, preserving Staunton's skyline for our grandchildren to enjoy long into the prosperous future.
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