April 11, 1994
Daily News Record
Harrisonburg, Va. 22801
On occasion I am driven to despair by people in these times. A man just won't take a minute to cut his weeds, to top his trees, to stomp that bug, to swerve and hit that snake, to shoot that groundhog, to impregnate his wife, or to burn that book of blasphemes. People won't spare a little change for their less wealthy neighbor in need of a gun for self protection. It's virtually unheard of these days for a man to go to heathen lands to convince savages that their foolish rituals will earn them only hellfire.
While we're on the subject of futile religious practices, I wonder if most Virginians know that they attend church and pray utterly in vain. 95% of all churches are covertly controlled by Satan, and all who attend them are condemned to perpetual torture. Only those who precisely follow the literal King James Bible can be guaranteed an eternity of gilded streets, white flowing robes, and indescribably soothing music. In addition, I feel it is likely that, for a place in Heaven, one must vote for Oliver North. Though extensive study of the Bible has not proved this to me conclusively, I'm unwilling to take a chance and find myself being pulled down on the day of the Rapture. How about you?
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