"the law requires you to confiscate their GothCard and cut it in two."

M


y readers seem to enjoy digging into my past, so I've freshly HTMLized two different documents from the obscure nooks of my hard drives. First, there's a little compilation of Oberlin tales from 1987-1994, then there's some fiction I wrote in 1975-76 when I was seven and eight. Enjoy.

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So here I am at UVA's Olssen Hall, going through my email. Oh my, another pissed-off missive from Mrs. Dink Boy. She's telling me that if my goth friends can't name the most famous works of Baudelaire, then

"the law requires you to confiscate their GothCard and cut it in two. Also, this person is legally forbidden to ever wear black in public again; they must confine themselves to varying shades of pink, yellow and orange, preferably in plaid or polka-dotted patterns."

That was actually pretty funny. I'm wearing plaid now, by the way, and I don't even own a Pearl Jam CD.

Hmmm... more email. What in the hell?

Check this shit out (and compare their logo with mine) and then perhaps send Ms. Susan Bayley some email telling her what you think of all this!

Date: Wed, 22 Oct 97 15:12:46 0500
From: Susan Bayley [bayleys@bayleys.com]
Organization: Bayley's Lobster Pound
To: gus@spies.com, ics@gwi.net, webmaster@comet.net

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Lobster Liberation Front:

I have just visited your Lobster Liberation Front web site at the following web address:

http://atlas.comet.net/~gus/lobster/

You have used the Bayley's Lobster Pound logo without our permission and in a manner of which we do not approve. The "fisherman on the lobster" logo is a trademark of our company.

If you do not remove this graphic from your web site immediately, we will be forced to commence legal proceedings against you to prohibit further use of our trademark.

By copy of this note I am also notifying your ISP (and presumably your employer) that they are contributing to your infringement of our trademark, and as such will be joined in any action that we bring against your organization and the individual Gus Mueller.

If I do not hear from you by Friday at 9:00 am that you have removed our logo from your site, then I will instruct our attorneys to commence an action against the parties referenced above. Please send your letter to the e-mail address above.

I look forward to your immediate cooperation in this matter.

Sue Bayley
Bayley's Lobster Pound

Prepared By: Antony Parchment, Esq.

I asked Ms. Bayley "What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?"


I guess they have trademarks on the swastikas that fly over their lobster traps.

Then, in answer, I wrote "A Doberman Pinscher!"

I guess I'll remove the logo, since they're being dorks about it and I totally ripped it off. But I think I improved it a lot. And really: those guys are responsible for a holocaust (of lobsters); it seems logical that they'd have trademarks on the swastikas that fly over their lobster traps.

I'll meet you at the Pope's Bar Mitzvah when the business world is finally able to get a joke.

Speaking strictly of rental movies, Matthew Hart has been banned from almost every video store in town for his amazing capacity to lose videotapes.

L


ocal artist Jacques deBeaufort called me this afternoon, reminding me that he was doing a photo shoot in the Downtown Artspace tonight. He likes people to get naked so he can make them look like Greek sculpture in timeless black and white photographs. Since I'm not very bashful about my body (or anything else really), he always encourages me to participate in such activities. But a heavy mass of arctic air had settled over the city, and I didn't feel like biking to the Downtown Mall tonight in such weather. My Dodge Dart was of no use; it lay buried behind three cars in the driveway. So, despite Jacques' promises of booze, I hung out in Kappa Mutha Fucka, mostly alone, mostly bored, even a little depressed. Times like this call for a good book. I could really use a library card. On second thought, that would be a very bad idea... at least in my house. Speaking strictly of rental movies, Matthew Hart has been banned from almost every video store in town for his amazing capacity to lose videotapes. And he doesn't just lose his own stuff, you know.

I was thrown into a rage, kicking things around for a bit until Monster Boy announced my car had been hooked up despite the lack of light.

After my pre-work nap, I got Monster Boy and Matthew to move their cars so I could get my Dodge Dart out onto the street for the first time since early September. It has expired plates and a bad rear right axle bearing, but it runs fine. Tomorrow, I'm scheduled to take it to a shop to get it worked on. The battery was a little dead and it needed a jump start, but, owing to the cold, this was no surprise. Monster Boy has jumper cables, and we somehow got the cars nose to nose at the very end of Observatory. I couldn't see what I was doing and went to find a flash light in the house. I knew one of my yellow flash lights should have been there but of course it wasn't. Someone had taken it and lost it, probably with the switch in the "on" position. That's how things work at my house. I was thrown into a rage, loudly cursing and kicking things around for a bit until Monster Boy announced my car had been hooked up despite the darkness. Taking my chances on Monster Boy's correctly doing so (he's not the most technically savy person I can think of), I turned my key. The car started right up.

Waiting for the Dart to warm up completely, I drank an entire Haffenreffer 32 oz. Malt Liquor, supplied by Matthew and Angela. This calmed me considerably. I drove to work for the first time ever.

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Get a sense of what I was like exactly one year ago today.

For linking purposes this article's URL is:
http://asecular.com/blog.php?971022