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subterfuge, spying and other survival techniques of a human resource
Wednesday, September 15 1999
How to pretend you're just another idiotic robot while secretly knowing the real deal.
1. The headphones technique.
Social interactions amongst humans are mind-boggling complex. Through the generations there's been an arms race of intelligence-fueled social skill advancements. Without even being aware of it, we do such things as watch the movement of people's eyes while not even looking directly at them. It's no surprise, really. Over the generations, the people who have paid the most attention to the social climate without seeming to do so have been the ones best prepared when that climate changed. Additionally, the people who have been best at disguising their selfishness with a patina of altruism have been the ones most likely to prosper and leave successful offspring.
Sometimes when I'm at my office desk I'll sit there with my headphones on, looking at the screen of my computer, pretending to be doing some serious heavy-duty programming while the school-marmish VP of IT is either talking high-powered business talk on the phone or consulting with my boss on some matter, usually related to a human resource issue. My headphones are actually off of course, and I'm paying close attention. It's always good to be in the know, especially when no one thinks you actually are. Besides, this stuff is endlessly fascinating to me. It often concerns matters such as salaries and the ever-mysterious subjective analysis of a prospective employee's "cultural fit." An indication of "poor cultural fit" can be something as simple as "having too many outside interests" (being too well-rounded!). In other words, I'd never have my present job if the people who hired me had known how much I like to paint and write.
2. Look busy.
Windows are your friends. With a fast computer it's possible to cover an incriminating window with a more legitimate one at the click of a mouse. What's more, windows can be shaped to fit into any real estate, including an unused corner of that application you're supposed to be in all day. If your screen is set to 1600 by 1200, you could theoretically play Tetris in the bottom third of the Adobe Photoshop tool palette. Or in a few cells of an Excel Spreadsheet.
3. Learn all the techniques.
Today the school-marmish VP of IT was consoling our information analyst (a much younger woman), whose newly-hired assistant was showing early indications of being overwhelmed. The VP of IT's advice was as follows:
"It's called 'Feel, Find, Found. You tell [name of frustrated underling], 'I know you feel frustrated. I find lots of people in your position are also frustrated. But I've found that it's not all is as bad as it seems at first.' You then go on to explain how things can be improved. The idea is to express understanding, empathy, and then you suggest a way to a solution. Now let's go after [name of frustrated underling] and use this technique."
It was the first time I'd ever heard a manager providing mentoring to another of lesser experience. In addition to being yet another overheard corporate conversation, it seemed like an almost touching bonding moment between two women. It was like a mother talking to her daughter the night before her wedding day.
But suddenly the phone rang and the school-marmish VP of IT was distracted by her kids. For her part, the overworked information analyst was distracted by something else and never actually tracked down her new underling, who, by the way, never returned. And so ended another American business day.
But for me and the other programmers, it wasn't so rough. What with the code freeze, I can leisurely explore the capabilities of my new Psion Series 5mx without much concern. The deadlines are behind me.
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