Hello, my name is Judas Gutenberg and this is my blaag (pronounced as you would the vomit noise "hyroop-bleuach").
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Thursday, July 19 2012
Gus Mueller: i think chick-fil-a should also ban muslims from eating their sandwiches. all they would have to do would be post pictures of the conditions the chickens are raised in on al jazeera. problem solved! no muslims while we chow down on our sandwiches
Gus Mueller: could it be that chick-fil-a doth protest too much? i mean, seriously, there is nothing gayer than a grown man chowing down on a chicken sandwich. chicken, people, that ain't a man's meat!
Gus Mueller: there was a time when i too subscribed to the gay lifestyle (by choice, i actually preferred women at the time but just wanted to make satan happy). in those days i used to eat lots of chicken. chicken means "young man" in the gay ergot, by the way, so i guess i ate it in more ways than one. anyway, now i only eat lion meat and i only have relations with blond women. i think jesus likes me better this way.
Gus Mueller: back when i was gay, i found chick-fil-a especially delicious, perhaps because of the inspidness of the chicken meat (which has none of the hetero vitamins that come from frolicking in the fields). now that i am no longer gay, chick-fil-a only reminds me of the old days, when so many christians who talked about being straight secretly wanted to get up on me. i have a feeling lots of closeted gay men willl applaud this decision so they can continue using chick-fil-a bathrooms as the gay brothels that are otherwise generally absent in the south and midwest
Gus Mueller: in Leviticus 18, God (or perhaps Jesus) told me not to sacrifice my children to moloch but He doesn't care if i have sex with them -- he just wants me to make sure i do not have sex with men. so i'm hoping chik- fil-a doesn't mind if i have sex with my daughter in their restaurants while eating one of their delicious sandwiches
Gus Mueller: a muslim restaurant just opened near my house and they also do not like the sissy men. they also demand that women please cover themselves when they eat there. i love it that i may bring my korans to chik-fil-a and worship allah there while not having to see sissy men and women who will not be modest.
Gus Mueller: so as a practicing muslim, i support chik-fil-a for furthing jihad against sissy men. though we may not agree on everything, we agree that sissy men are an abomination before the lord and that the international conspiracy of the hebrew people is something that must be thwarted. only later, after chik-fil-a has completed its usefulness to our goals, will we insist that they serve hal'al meats.
Gus Mueller: indeed, as an extemist muslim, i find it hard to eat in urban areas. all the restaurants fly the rainbow flags of sissy men. though the food is good in such places, i cannot abide the disco music and the lifestyle i know i am supporting. for this reason i will now only dine at chik-fil-a. the decorations may be dreary and the food may smell vaguely of vomitus, but at least i know that my hard earned dollars are supporting jihad against sissy men, upitty women who refuse to submit to vaginal probing, and others who will surely perish when allah makes final judgement.
Gus Mueller: chik-fil-a is good, but one must be sure to avoid eating the tumors that can occasionally appear in factory-farmed chicken breast meat. such meat contains hormones that can make even a NFL linebacker crave the sissyman lifestyle.
Gus Mueller: ive heard of many cases where strong christian men -- indeed a christian body builder with a body like a greek temple (shudder!) ate factory-farmed chicken meat and it contained hormones that slowly made him more concerned about aesthetics, body hair, and the arrangement of flowers. before long he had installed Grindr on his iPhone and had renounced christ jesus.
Gus Mueller: i used to have lots of gay sex in the chik-fil-a bathroom -- chicken sandwiches somehow make me crave gay sex, while beef sandwiches make me want to ravage women. how will chik-fil-a manage the fact that chicken has hormones that turn people -- even good christian people -- gay? it's something about pituitary tumors in factory-farmed birds. i don't see how they can maintain this stance while still selling tasteless hunks of chicken breast meat, the gayest food in the world.
Gus Mueller: as a gay man who secretly works at chik-fil-a, the only way i have to protest this decision is by adding secret gay ingredients (hello rick santorum!) to the sandwiches.
Gus Mueller: after hours at the chik-fil-a, me and my gay co-workers like to have gay sex parties in the bread for the next day's sandwiches. you don't know love until you're getting a dirty sanchez while someone is playing your rusty trombone into a pile of white bread destined for good christian sandwiches.
Gus Mueller: have to say that the men's room at the chik-fil-a outside Oxford, Miss is the BEST PLACE to get a rusty trombone from a republican state senator. i think i am in love. please keep up the repression on the sissyboys, it makes them so much better in the sack!
Judas Gutenberg: can i get a woot woot for banning atheists from chick-fil-a? those guys don't have any faith, and it takes faith when you bite into something raised at a farm where creatures are crowded together like a guatemalan prison and inspectors are paid to look the other way. all in the name of keeping america straight, people, not gay!
Judas Gutenberg: i remember when restaurants used to ban members of the negro race, which the bible also commands us to do. can we please have more of that too? i'm tired of hippity hop music, malt liquor, and the busting of rhymes.
Betty Dawson: Mr. Gutenberg: you obviously do not know the Bible; I highly suggest reading it before you misquote it as there are severe penalties (see Revelations) for adding to or removing from its words. Mr. Izquierdo: you can sit in a garage and call yourself a Cadillac too, but that won't make you one. Anyone can call themself a Christian; but only those who live out what the Bible says will actually be one when all is said & done. May God shine His light upon you both!
Judas Gutenberg: hey betty dawson -- it's right there in exodus about what we may or may not do to slaves. read exodus 21:20. i would imagine god would want us to eat our chicken in a place without so many people we had struck who had then survived and we then gone unpunished.
Judas Gutenberg: hold on a second -- chick-fil-a is run by a DUDE whose last name is CATHY? how unbiblically unstraight is that? and he owns a chain of --get this --restaurants? somebody is in the closet a little too deep on this one. hoist the rainbow flag!
Judas Gutenberg: what does chick-fil-a think about abortion? because i opened up my sandwich there a week ago and found myself staring at something that was not unlike a placenta.
Judas Gutenberg: i was recently in a chick-fil-a and a gentlemen very much resembling osama bin laden waited on me. he smelled of body odor and flakes of falafel fell from his beard onto my sandwich as he handed it to me. but i will say this about him, as he did so he said "death to infidels who lay with men as with women." i will only eat at chick-fil-a from now on!
Judas Gutenberg: i like how the bible tells me not to sacrifice my children to molek (where is molek these days?) but doesn't tell me not to have sex with them. so i am guessing that chik-fil-a will be supportive should i decide to have sex with my daughter so long as i do not have sex with other men.
Judas Gutenberg: wait, is chik-fil-a gluten free?
Judas Gutenberg: wait -- please tell me it's true that Dan Cathy and Jerry Sandusky are DIFFERENT people and that they have been seen together in a room at the same time and this isn't all just a ploy to distract us from that nasty business at Penn State.
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