quicky popularity contest

It's an instant popularity hierarchy, just like in the days when we chose teams to play kickball.

T


he cool thing about the internet (or any network of number crunchers) is that qualities therein are easily quantifiable. One such quality is popularity. The webring system, the array of circles linking together disparate pre-Raphælite grandmothers, missing children enthusiasts, sexual gourmets, AC/DC headbangers, and us exhibitionistic writers, has an under-utilized feature for getting the skinny on popularity. If you look at webring's listing of a ring's "most active sites," you can see which sites are contributing the most hits to the webring. With a few exceptions, this is a statistically valid indication of how many people are visiting those sites. It's an instant popularity hierarchy, just like in the days when we chose teams to play kickball. The exceptions come from those people who neurotically push the ring system's "next" hypertext on their own sites. Do you want to see who's popular? Here we go:
• The Open Pages hierarchy - the riff raff collection of all online journals
• The Archipelago hierarchy - the diamonds in the rough of online journals
• The Often hierarchy - the most thrashing of worms in the bucket of online journals
• The Twisted Internet Services hierarchy - those who like to hack, crack and sack with things they call warez
• The Ladies of the Heart hierarchy - female fans of smarmy multi-media excess
• The Ring of Death hierarchy - people who fancy those not living
• The Faces of Fear hierarchy - those using the web to expose child molestors
• The Cederick Coop hierarchy - something to do with chickens
• seXXXring hierarchy - needs no exxxplanation
• Webguard hierarchy - webmasters who get hot and bothered about the riff raff imbedding their images without copying them from their servers (I don't understand why anyone would surf this ring either)

This is a sort of quantum mechanical effect whereby scrutiny and observation distorts what is being observed.

As you can see, I'm mostly battling it out with Backstory & Bullshit for sixth place in the Open Pages hierarchy, though she's number 2 in Archipelago. Ceej rules all the hierarchies except for Often, where Gabby is the exalted one. The way the rings are featured on the pages has something to do with what sort of hits they receive. Since Gabby belongs only to Often, traffic is concentrated to that one ring. Does this all makes sense?

Of course, just by mentioning these hierarchies, I run the risk of my readers acting to distort them. This is a sort of quantum mechanical effect whereby scrutiny and observation distorts what is being observed. It's a problem familiar to anyone who keeps an online journal or tries to measure the velocity of a passing electron.



Tokyo, Tokyo

I


  wasted a lot of time with a Macintosh SE and some kind of 030 accelerator board. If I was paid at minimum wage for all the dicking I do with obsolete equipment, I could easily afford a room full of 233 MHz Powermacs.




Matthew may be a lowly dish washer, but he drives the company car!

O


n the Corner, I looked unsuccessfully for some kind of music to buy, then had a slice of chicken barbecue pizza. Matthew Hart appeared at this point. After attending to some business, he and I went off to the Barrack's Road ABC store and bought a litre of rum. Matthew was driving and the vehicle was the C&O's van. It's a beat up old Dodge Ram and once belonged to a VDOT surveying crew. The C&O loaned it to him until his car is fixed. Matthew may be a lowly dish washer, but he drives the company car!

The rum had me drunk in short order. Time passed quickly. Leticia the Brazilian Girl arrived. Then we all packed up in my Dodge Dart and Leticia's car and set out for the Tokyo Rose. We wanted to go see my favourite local lowfi/dissonant band, the Curious Digit. One of the members of the Digit works at the C&O and had encouraged Matthew to come. The others were reluctant to go, especially since getting in cost $5 each, but if Matthew, Leah and I were going to the Tokyo Rose, everyone else had to go. The alternative, a boring Friday night, was unthinkable.

I don't have many memories. Mostly I can sum things up by saying that I was an embarrasing drunk. I don't feel like humiliating myself detailing the specifics of why. But I did enjoy the music. The opening band was especially good; they played loud guitars and had that Washington DC Jawbox sound. I wish I could remember their name. Whatever happened to the days when you could just look at the bass drum to know the name of a band? Unfortunately, I remember virtually none of the Curious Digit's performance.

Rory bought her a Budweiser as some kind of peace offering. In Britain Budweiser is an expensive import.

Rory the British car thief was there, sober I think. He was as contrite as you would expect considering the hundreds of dollars worth of aggravation he's cost us. In return, Matthew and I were friendly in our usual drunken way. Deya, who has reason to be substantially more aggravated, had earlier spoken of what an idiot Rory is. But tonight Rory bought her a Budweiser as some kind of peace offering. In Britain Budweiser is an expensive import.

The Dynashack crowd turned out in force, of course. I sat upstairs for a time with Elizabeth, Franz, John, Penley, Steve and Ches while they ate sushi. Elizabeth appears to have bleached her hair. I don't know if that was such a good idea. I liked it when it was fake redhead red.

At some point I passed out on a couch downstairs despite the blare of the music. Deya woke me up when the evening was done and I drove us home. Deya almost insisted on driving, but I did just fine. I'd sobered up a little, you see.



W


ell, the reviews are back. Diana the Redhead's roommate Virginia considers me (and to a lesser extent, my house) "weird" because of my/our casual dependence upon the Internet. She's apparently one of those people still stuck with that 80s mindset that goes something like "Oh, the Internet. Isn't that like a place where all the like dorks have like cybersex and stuff?"
Of course, my keeping an online journal is widely regarded as weird. Privacy just isn't as important to me as it is to some people. I have to do something with my life; I might as well put it online.

words currently


in widespread use

at Kappa Mutha Fucka

action

sex.

Baboose

the gender non-specific name given to the contents of Peggy's pregnancy, formerly known as "Mouth."

cap

to kill, especially with a gun. From Black English.

femi-nazi

an outspoken supporter of the rights of women. The term was coined by conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh as a sort of insult, but it is used by Leah to describe friends.

gary

the anus when used as a sex organ. From Cockney rhyming slang via Rory.

ginger beer

a gay guy. From Cockney rhyming slang via Rory.

guys, guys

a statement Matthew Hart and I use to command everyones attention for an important announcement.

ham sandwich

the smell of old beer. Ches Floyd coined this term back at the Dynashack.

homey

a black guy. From Black English.

libra porch

the back porch of Kappa Mutha Fucka. The name derives from the fact that both Diana the Redhead and Jessika (both Libras) have slept there.

mullet

a haircut common to rednecks, 80s musicians, and professional male wrestlers in which the hair is short in front and on top but long in back.

poon

to have sexual intercourse. This term gets heavy use from Diana the Redhead.

poon daddy

a man or female lesbian who likes to poon.

sausage party

a group of guys hanging out together, all of them quietly hoping a girl might show up.

schwill

to drink alcohol to excess.

schwilly

drunk.

smiley

a lock on the end of a chain when used as a weapon.

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